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A close friend recently came out to me as gender non-binary. “I don’t identify with being a man, that’s actually never felt right,” Alex explained, “but I don’t feel like a woman either.” Alex was declared a boy at birth and in time, identified as a man. At 29 years old, Alex looked like a typical guy, sporting a short haircut and usually wearing jeans and a t-shirt.

“So, what does this mean? What will change?” I asked, suddenly feeling a bit nervous. “Well,” Alex explained, “It means I may start wearing more feminine clothes sometimes. And I would like to be referred to by the pronouns ‘they/them,’ instead of ‘he/him.’ I don’t want to change my body at this point; I feel comfortable the way it is.”

As a psychologist and psychoanalyst who specializes in the areas of gender and sexuality, I had a good understanding of the many different forms gender can take. Yet I was surprised by the disclosure. I was anxious for reasons I couldn’t quite explain and worried that I might unintentionally offend Alex by saying the wrong thing.

Defining Gender

More and more people are defining their gender in terms other than “man” or “woman.” While Alex identifies as “gender non-binary,” some people use terms like gender fluid, genderqueer, a-gender, or gender nonconforming to describe their gender identity, their personal sense of their own gender.

Gender is different from the sex we were assigned at birth, which is usually based on our body parts. Gender is also different from sexual orientation, which describes whom one is attracted to (often defined using terms like gay, straight, bisexual, pansexual, etc.). Gender can encompass dress, interests, manner of speaking, and many other aspects.

The more Alex told me about what it was like to come out as non-binary, the more I realized just how important and difficult this process was for them. In time, some of our mutual friends asked me questions in private about Alex’s new identification. The idea that Alex might not be either a man or a woman was hard for them to understand. Their questions revealed a deep confusion and discomfort about what it means to be non-binary. Here are some of their questions and my responses:

“Does ‘non-binary’ really exist?”

Many people question the validity of non-binary gender identification. They wonder whether the person coming out is being overly sensitive, attention-seeking, or even delusional. I believe that these responses are often a way for people to keep their own uncomfortable feelings about the situation at bay.

Witnessing others explore new gender identifications can threaten our own sense of gender and sexual orientation. We begin to find ourselves in the uncomfortable position of questioning gender categories (“Am I a man?”), which we never had to think about before. If we are attracted to a transgender or gender non-binary person, does that make us gay? Or straight? Or something else altogether?

Anxiety increases as these categories become more fluid, and even for the most well-meaning people, this anxiety can lead to denial. So my short answer to Alex’s friends who asked me this question was, “Yes, it really does exist.”

“Is this just a phase?”

Alex’s gender identity may shift over time or it may not, but that’s not really the point. I see this question as quite similar to the question above: a type of denial that helps people manage the threat they feel in response to new gender identities. If Alex’s revelation was “just a phase,” Alex’s friends wouldn’t have to grapple with the uncomfortable feelings that were arising inside of them.

“Are they still attracted to men?”

In Alex’s case, yes. As described above, one’s gender identity is separate from whom one is attracted to.

“Does this mean they’re transgender?”

Yes. Transgender is an umbrella term to describe a wide range of people whose gender differs from their assigned sex. Unlike some transgender people, Alex does not have a desire to change their body but is still considered transgender as their gender identity (neither man nor woman) differs from their assigned sex (male).

As society loosens its demand that everyone fit one of two gender categories, more young people grow up in an environment that allows them to authentically explore their relationship to their gender.

But transgressing traditional gender lines is still painful and challenging. It brings up uncomfortable feelings in people, which in their most extreme forms lead to bigotry and violence towards trans people. In less extreme forms, the uncomfortable feelings lead to denial and dismissiveness, as I noticed in some of Alex’s friends’ responses. All of these are examples of transphobia.

Reflecting on our uncomfortable feelings can help us get out of our own anxieties and see more clearly what coming out means for the person doing it and what they might need from us.

Alex needed my support. They needed me to be curious about their experience, to listen to how they were feeling, and to let them know that I understood how scary it was to reveal something that they had always felt, but could never talk about. They needed me to understand my own anxiety so that I could be there for them.

For more information on how to be supportive of friends and family who identify as non-binary, please visit the National Center for Transgender Equality.

About the Author: Justin Shubert, PsyD, PhD, is a Clinical Psychologist and Psychoanalyst working in private practice in Los Angeles. He is the founder of Silver Lake Psychotherapy, as well as the co-chair of the Committee on Diversities and Sociocultural Issues at the New Center for Psychoanalysis. He is also the co-chair of the Committee on Gender and Sexuality of the American Psychoanalytic Association.