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The realities of Covid-19 have changed how CRC is doing the Reflective Parenting Program. With parents all sheltering in place we are conducting Reflective Parenting groups online using Zoom. Despite everyone being in different homes, parents are totally able to actively engage with one another. They tell us they look forward to the group. Despite the new online format, we are seeing parents become more reflective of their children's experience.

The Coronavirus pandemic is truly a catastrophe. All families are experiencing high levels of stress and anxiety. Because we are all in this together, CRC wants to share what we feel is particularly helpful for parents during such a crisis.

Parents are overwhelmed and frightened, yet also trying to maintain some kind of routine and keep the environment feeling safe enough for their child. It is very hard to be really anxious and worried oneself, while also having to calm your child’s anxieties and worries. Reflective Parenting offers four tools to help parents not only survive but also sustain their family’s wellbeing. To sum up the philosophy in these tools: Parent yourself well so that you can parent your child well. 

Tool #1: Recognize that you are in a heightened state of stress.

In a catastrophic situation we become hypervigilant. Our whole mind, brain and body shift automatically into a heightened state, which puts us on alert for danger and ready to react immediately. But we often don’t even recognize it. Without realizing, the heightened state makes us more irritable, more reactive, more impatient, and less able to be centered and responsive. Without a parent meaning to it will have a negative impact on how they relate to their child. The first step towards improving the situation, requires a parent to make the effort to consciously recognize their heightened state. Recognition of their negative state of mind allows a parent to have a chance to do something to help prevent it from interfering with their parenting.   

Tool #2: More self-compassion; Less self-criticism.

Once a parent is aware of their high stress state, the next step is to be more compassionate and less judgmental towards themselves. Sadly, parents often think there is something wrong with them if they are being impatient or irritable with their child. Or they judge themselves for being weak and unable to cope with the stress. They don’t realize that their overwhelmed, anxious state or insensitive, impatient reactions to their kids are in fact normal and natural responses given the circumstances. It’s a biologic protective mechanism that the brain activates when it detects danger. It’s not the parent’s fault. But there is something a parent can do to reduce their stress state, be more empathic with themselves, and not heap criticism onto themselves. Here’s an idea of how a parent might talk to themselves. “Of course, I am stressed and irritable and impatient. Of course, I am not always so proud of how I am parenting these days. There’s nothing wrong with me. It is Covid-19 and it is a really scary time. Everyone is feeling that. Every parent is reacting this way, it is not just me.” It is important to remember: You don’t have to be perfect; There is no one right way to parent; Stay away from worrying about what you should do and stay more focused on what you can do. Although routine and schoolwork are important and screens are to be limited, during times like these we have to bend, be flexible, and even let some things go. 

Tool #3: Remember your child is not being bad or difficult. They are just having a hard time.

Kids have their own heightened state because so many things are disrupted. They also internalize what their parents feel. Therefore, kids are feeling even more intensely than their parents are. But kids have even less ability than adults do to keep themselves settled. Kids express their fears and anxieties as negative behaviors. Kids then assume their parents can automatically understand their feelings and know exactly what to do about it. The good news is, it’s a win-win. The more a parent can be empathic, compassionate, and accepting of their own feelings and needs for comfort and safety during these stressful times, they will naturally be able to be more empathic, compassionate, and accepting of their children’s negative feelings and behaviors. It is always important, as Mr. Rogers recommends, to let a child know that the parents are taking care of things.   

Tool #4: Center yourself, before you settle your child.

A parent needs to make sure they find a way to feel centered inside themselves, so that they can help their child feel settled inside themselves. What a parent chooses to do to regain some peace of mind, release tension and recharge will be different depending on the parent. There is no right way. The circumstances limit what we can do. “Trial and error” often may be required to find what works. Here are a few possible things parents can try: 

• Find a space in the house where you can spend a few minutes all by yourself, with no one bothering you. It may be the bathroom, or a closet. You may only get five minutes, sometimes less. But things like moving to a different room or simply poking your head outside can re-set your brain circuits, from HOT to cool. Even a mommy needs “quiet time.” It is not abandoning your child or neglecting them. It is taking a few minutes to regroup so you can be more available to them when you re-engage.
• If you are frustrated or angry: STEP AWAY. In a negative frame of mind, emotional responsiveness goes down and insensitivity and reactivity go up. When you step away, tell your child you need to calm yourself down and you will be back. You are not leaving. You just need a little “time out.”
• Find humor. You are with your kids 24/7. Sometimes you are also having to sneak in a few hours of working from home. You may be taking on different roles, sometimes roles you are not comfortable with. Don’t expect yourself to teach as well as your child gets taught in school. Don’t expect yourself to make a nutritious meal every night or keep up with all the household tasks. If you feel like you are failing or not doing a good job, FIND HUMOR. Laugh at yourself and let your child laugh too.
• Make sure to have fun. Fun is often the best medicine for reducing fear and distress, for you and for your child. As a family play more games, be more silly, tell more jokes, even watch more TV. Have a jumping contest, a talent show, a popcorn and movies night. If it is hard for you to be more lighthearted and playful in your family, be compassionate toward yourself. Maybe even joke about it. Your child will appreciate any effort you make.  

 Regina Pally, MD, is founder and co-director of the Center for Reflective Communities.